When Grief Shows Up in Happy Times
Unavoidable Circumstances
My oldest daughter was married this past weekend in a picture perfect ceremony followed by a fun-filled reception. It was the wedding of her dreams, the happiest day of her life. However, in the midst of a perfect fairytale wedding, there were moments of grief. She had been so proud planning to dance with both of her dads on her wedding day; she was blessed double with two amazing dads. Unfortunately, a violent and unexpected virus kept her father from attending the reception. I watched helplessly as both of their hearts were broken because he could not stay at his daughter’s wedding and they would not share their much-anticipated Father/Daughter dance. They both grieved for a moment that would never happen. Grief will sometimes try to remain and ruin the wonderful memories that are currently being made. However, grief cannot keep you from your happiness if you make the decision to move forward out of the place of despair and join in the current activities. Through my daughter’s tears, a choice had to be made. In a moment she had to decide to stay in grief or continue on with the celebration; she chose to celebrate.
Grief Revisited
Later in the reception, the maid of honor (the bride’s cousin) gave a speech of how the bride and groom became a couple. The night the girls’ grandfather died was the event that brought this couple closer together; creating a bond that would last forever. In that instant of her speech, my heart painfully grieved for my dad. I, along with my mother, brother, the grandkids and all the family and friends who knew “The Lizard”, missed him so greatly in that moment. We all knew he would have been so proud and of course, would have been the life of the party! Before I realized, my tears of grief hit the table on one of the happiest days of my life. In spite of this, as the maid of honor toasted the newlyweds the crowd once again turned to celebration and so did I. The joy of the occasion replaced the sorrow because we allowed it to.
Let Joy Exceed Sorrow
I believe life is meant to be lived with an overall sense of peace and happiness with spurts of grief and despair, not the other way around. Don’t allow the pain to continue to take precedence over joy. There will be painful events and sorrowful times in your life but it is important to find your way back to the place of peace and contentment. This doesn’t mean we don’t miss or remember our loved ones who are gone; it just means we will not be consumed with grief to the point of missing out on the present. Grief has a way of showing up in the happiest times of our lives. It is the uninvited guest to many happy occasions, birthday parties, holiday celebrations, and even weddings. It doesn’t take away from the joy of the event because our loved ones aren’t with us to celebrate, it just would have been even better with them there.
Grief Stages
Typical Experiences
You can expect to pass through certain typical stages of grief. There is no strict order in which they come, and no strict guidelines on how to react to them. These are only ideas of stages that you’re likely to experience. Anytime during your grief you may have all or some of these stages. You may even go through other reactions and phases. More than likely, you will go back and forth through the stages on your way to recovery.
* The initial reaction to a significant loss is usually shock, disbelief and denial. Recognizing the loss is very important in accepting it.
*There will be a response to the pain and sorrow that varies with each person. There may be a time of anger and mixed-up emotions. This can be a very hard time, but the hurt should be felt and experienced in full.
*There will be a time of remembrance, then a time of letting go and acceptance.
Allow yourself to think about your loved one or what you’ve lost, remembering everything you can. After a while you will begin to let go of the hurtful things that delay your healing. Acceptance will follow the “letting go” process.
*Eventually you will come to a stage of rebuilding. You will be able to redefine who you are, face and actually embrace a “new normal” and a new reality. You will adjust to a new life, gain hope and discover your faith or have a renewal of faith.
There is no “correct way” to move through these stages. You may move forward and then feel a setback. This can happen a lot throughout your journey. Don’t be discouraged; just keep moving.
Perseverance
There are so many ups and downs on the journey through grief; you will experience many changes. You may feel good one day and the next day you could feel like everything is crashing down. Yes, there may be bad days but you don’t have to stay down. Pick yourself up again, and again, and again…keep going. Some falls may feel more intense than others but once again…keep going. Eventually your falls will become fewer and farther between; you will begin to notice that your falls aren’t as far down as they once were, or as hard. Persist forward on your journey no matter how difficult it may seem at times; that is perseverance. Through perseverance, you will notice an overall progression on your journey toward recovery.
Before Grief, There is Reaction to Loss
Reacting to Loss
Everyone is different; we’re all aware of that. Everyone deals with situations in a personal and unique way. We should especially be aware that each person reacts to loss in his or her own individual way. There’s no “correct” response to the experiences that cause grief and there’s no right or wrong way to feel. Reactions to loss sometimes cannot be predicted. A person may respond totally different than anticipated. When my dad died, I knew he was going to die and we talked about it; I was even with him when he died. However, when I saw him at the funeral home, lying in the casket for the first time, I reacted completely different than anyone expected. In that initial moment I became a child and was no longer a grown woman in her 40’s. I stomped my feet and cried out “NO, NO, NO…I want my daddy back!” Expect the unexpected; I never saw that reaction coming.
Diversified Reactions
There are initial reactions to loss such as shock and disbelief. As the realization of the incident occurs, the feelings and reactions become even more complicated. Many times physical symptoms appear as well as mental and emotional responses. Think about some of the reactions you have had to loss and the feelings you felt. Below is a list of possible feelings and reactions you may have experienced. See which ones you can relate to, maybe you have had some that aren’t even listed.
- Distressed
- Compassion
- Isolation/Alone
- Lost
- Headache
- Out of Control
- Confused
- Regret
- Doubtful
- Hateful
- Insecure
- Anxious/Worried
- Achy Joints/Sore Body
- Inability to Concentrate
- Unimportant
- Guilt
- Apathy/Don’t Care
- Panic
- Change in Appetite
- Angry
- Sleeping Problems
- Devastation
- Weakness/Lethargy
- Sad
- Overwhelmed
- Relieved
- Shock
- Fear
- Crying
- Disbelief
- Numbness
- Stomachache
- Rejection
- Tension
- Heartache
- Helpless
- Depressed
- Hurt
- Restlessness
- Powerless
- Guilt
Working Through the Reactions
Once you have recognized and identified the reactions to your losses, you can begin working through these by-products of grief. As you continue to deal with your grief, you will see the list of reactions begin to diminish. This is not a checklist of symptoms and emotions to be crossed out one by one. You may feel a particular reaction is gone only to see it come up again later. That’s OK, as long as you can keep progressing. It may help you to keep your thoughts and feelings in a journal, talk to God about it or talk to someone in your support system. Remember the way you feel initially after loss is not permanent if you continue to move forward.
Recognizing Your Losses To Help Your Grief
Causes of Grief
Grief is painful, no matter what the source. Death is a major cause of grief and may be the greatest contributor to our sense of loss. However, there are so many other reasons to experience grief and not all losses have to do with death. Here are some examples of other losses. You may have additional experiences that have caused pain in your life so keep in mind this is not a comprehensive list.
- Separation
- Divorce
- Moving
- Disability after an illness or accident
- Miscarriage
- Loss of property (something important lost, destroyed, or stolen)
- Loss of relationship or love
- Loss of security, job, freedom, self-esteem, status, finances, trust, innocence, hopes and dreams
Recall Previous Losses
Each time we experience a new grief, the pain may be compounded as we are reminded of our previous losses. This is normal, and although it may be painful to remember, it can actually be helpful. It may seem odd and downright uncomfortable to intentionally think about past hurts, but reviewing the course your grief has taken in the past will help you with your present pain. As you reflect on past hurts, examine your reactions. How did you resolve your grief with each one? Did you resolve your grief or just “sweep it under the rug?” Sometimes we feel it necessary to ignore the hurt, or it could be just too painful to deal with the grief at hand, so we hide it for a while. Once the pain is hidden, we can now go on with our lives because the grief isn’t there to cause us trouble. But it is still there. You didn’t obliterate the issue you just moved it. Now imagine if you continue to do this over and over…sweep, sweep, sweep. One of these days you are going to nonchalantly walk over that “rug”, trip over the giant mound of grief that has been accumulating under there and fall flat on your face! Grief may be temporarily hidden, but it will always show back up until you deal with it.
Identify, Recognize, and Work Through
The good news is that you can overcome present and future stumbling blocks! You are strong enough to deal with each grief as it comes. You can resolve old issues that still cause you pain. You will make progress in your grief journey if you keep moving forward. Here is the process that can help.
1. Identify your losses throughout your life, all of them, not just the most recent one. Many kinds of losses can affect you deeply so think fully and completely on this. There may be devastating losses or smaller ones that still made you feel bad. Identify and recognize them.
2. Think about how you survived the trauma and how you dealt with the pain at the time. Be encouraged from your past recoveries. Start working through any remaining hurts. Once dealt with, many hurts just become memories.
3. Talk to a trusted friend or family member about the grief you have recognized. You can also journal your feelings or take your concerns to God. He is always interested in hearing from you in your time of need.
9.11 Remembered
Attacked
There is no way for me to explain the magnitude of the tragedy and horror that occurred 10 years ago today. Our nation was struck in a shocking terrorist attack that killed almost 3,000 people and left a nation stunned. On one sunny morning, thousands of people were ripped from their lives never to return while so many thousands more were changed forever.
A Nation United
Through the immense devastation resulting from that horrendous day, a nation came together; united in grief. Compassion, patriotism, and genuine love became a common theme that bound families, friends and strangers. Though mottled with fear and anger, the spirit of Americans rose with a banner of perseverance, hope, faith and a will to overcome. In the days, weeks and years that followed we have heard stories of immense loss, triumph, destruction, healing, heroism, and victory. Our hearts have been touched and sometimes broken by these stories.
Resulting Grief
It is obvious to us the overwhelming grief the victims and their families must have endured, and still do. However, the stories heard and the live disturbing images seen through media coverage has also left so many people with their own grief. Even though I wasn’t in New York City as the towers fell, I saw each one of them crumble to the ground in a surreal way, knowing in that moment thousands of people were dying. We witnessed this tragedy together as a nation. It was an image seen all over the world. The events that occurred on 9/11 resulted in grief far beyond the victims. It is important for those still grieving to talk about your thoughts and feelings brought on from those events. Some of you may still be haunted from the images. Talk as a family, or group of friends, and be open and honest about your feelings. Support each other and listen to others as they share their concerns.
Remembrance
I am completely inadequate in describing the events of that day and I do not intend to act as if I know how any victim felt. It is my purpose to make this day one of remembrance for those who died and suffered loss and also for a day of honoring those who became forever heroes. Reflect and remember. Explain the best you can to the children that were to young to remember. It is a part of our history. Continue as a nation to pray for healing the grief of 9/11. Our country and the victims need our prayers and remembrance.
Grieving the “Lost”
Photo courtesy of Carlie Tise
A Unique Grief
I was talking to a friend of mine recently and I discovered she is grieving the loss of her daughter. What is unique about her grief is that her daughter is still alive. Because of poor choices, her beloved child has taken a path in life that has left her estranged from her family and two young children. Her daughter is not in her life anymore; she is “lost”. The effects of her destructive lifestyle have been devastating to those who love her. With no contact with her daughter whatsoever, my friend is raising her grandchildren without the love and support of their mother. The grief of losing her daughter is compounded by the unanswered questions and uncertainty of her safety. She also suffers for the pain and confusion inflicted upon her grandchildren.
Working Through the Grief
A person does not have to be dead for someone to grieve for him or her. This kind of grief is real and very powerful. It can be complicated, hard to discuss and can be even more difficult to resolve. There is no closure. However, there is hope, there’s always hope. I encourage my friend, and others in this situation, to first realize the pain felt is validated. Then try to work through the grief to a point that life can still be enjoyed. It helps to count your blessings; write a gratitude list and concentrate on the positive. Shift your energy from the grief and worry to the optimistic and promising. Release the negative and destructive emotions such as anger, blame, guilt, and regret. Be encouraged by reading and applying the words of the Serenity Prayer:
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference.
Engage in Life
Even though you are grieving, make a conscious effort to interact in the world around you. Join into life with abundance while participating in activities and spending quality time with loved ones. Never feel guilty in the enjoyment of your blessings. Your heart may still hurt, but the more you positively engage into the world around you, the less consuming worry and pain will be.
Pray
Lastly, pray for your “lost” loved one; pray her heart return to her family and God.
Helping Other Grievers In Times of Need
Photo courtesy of Emilie Taylor
Devastating Events
I see on the news the devastating images the wild fires have brought to Texas. I hear the stories from the victims of the most destructive fire in Texas history; you can see their pain and the shock of such overwhelming loss. I try to imagine what they must feel but my mind won’t allow it. It is impossible for me to understand the magnitude of their grief. My heart hurts for those grieving and for those fighting these fires. The victims, firefighters and volunteers of massively damaging events, such as the Texas fires, deserve our prayers and support.
Closer Than You Think
Seeing the images through the media put a surreal feeling to these events, it somehow feels distant; but it’s not. The people suffering are our neighbors, coworkers, family and friends; they are our fellow Texans. The close proximity of such devastation is unsettling. There has been massive damage recently from flooding, hurricanes, earthquakes, tornadoes, and more. The victims of these tragic events are not oceans apart from us, they are here near us and they need our help.
What Can I Do?
What could I possibly do to relieve the pain in such overwhelming disasters? We could all pray and we can act. The grief of these victims cannot be erased but it can be eased by the compassionate and practical actions of those reaching out to help. Volunteers are needed in many capacities. Food, clothes, supplies, and monetary donations are desperately needed. Food and water bottles can also be supplied to shelters, organizations and the firefighters.
Photo courtesy of Emilie Taylor
(God bless the firefighters who risk their own lives in protecting the property and lives of others!)
Reach Out
Every act of generosity will help someone in some way. If you are a griever for whatever reason, I challenge you to reach out to fellow grievers in their time of need. Help in any way you can. You will also reap the rewards of your kind acts; your heart will be lighter and your spirit will be stronger as you help another griever.
Please check for donation centers in your area. These organizations are accepting donations for the Austin/Bastrop area fires:
- Area Walmart Stores
- American Red Cross
- Capital Area Food Bank – needs food, water, formula and diapers
- St. Vincent de Paul Stores of Austin
Hope
There is always hope in the face of disaster.
Photo courtesy of Emilie Taylor
Taking The First Step and Moving Forward Through Grief
Grief of All Kinds
Grief can be overpowering, it can even be paralyzing. With grief comes confusion, frustration, exhaustion, fear, anger and a multitude of other emotions. The grief that occurs in our lives comes in varying degrees and from many different situations. Grief appears in all different shapes and sizes. Death of a loved one is not the only event that brings grief into our lives. Divorce, separation, miscarriage, mass disaster and moving away from family and friends can cause grief. Loss of relationships, finances, property, innocence, abilities, security and self-esteem can also result in grief. You can even grieve for things you never had when your aspirations, hopes, and dreams are damaged or destroyed. No matter the cause or the assumed size of the grief, your grief is important. Whatever the reason for the grief, the pain is real and needs to be dealt with.
What’s Next?
When tragedy, trauma or even major disappointment strikes it can bring grief that is so overwhelming that it becomes unclear on how to move forward. What is the next step? Maybe there is no direction or even energy for the next step. Well-meaning people may have told you that “life goes on” and though that may be true, those words rarely provide support in a time of crisis. Hearing those words, the raw truth, actually can be frustrating, even infuriating. As difficult as it is to hear and even harder to believe, life does go on, with or without you. Wrapped in grief, it seems nearly impossible to move forward.
Paralyzed in Grief
After the loss of my dad, I was gripped so tightly in grief, I became paralyzed. Because I was unable to move on, I remained stagnant in my grief and pain, which ultimately lead to depression. I lost eight months of my life that I can never get back. Life continued on around me but I couldn’t join in. I didn’t know how to live life as usual; I didn’t know how to move forward. I don’t think I wanted to move forward and leave my dad behind. I didn’t know how to progress past the overwhelming pain of loss; I just couldn’t find the first step.
Keep Moving
It is my desire that no one ever remains stationary in his or her grief, bewildered on what to do next. Every griever is different and every situation varies but it is so crucial to the griever that he or she takes an initial step that creates momentum. The rate of progression is unpredictable and not nearly as important as the movement itself; just keep moving.
First Step
Often it feels frustrating because there’s nothing you can do to change a painful situation. However, actively working through your grief and dealing with the emotions and issues head-on gives you a sense of control in an uncontrollable world. I pray you receive the energy to take the first step toward wholeness and not waste as much time as I once did.
You Are Not Alone
This website was created to be used as a “first step” in the grieving process. You won’t find all the answers here and you won’t find a quick resolution. However, this site is intended to be a safe place to explore and share options for the grief journey. You are not alone so please feel free to comment and contribute to this site. I encourage grievers to respectfully share and communicate with each other. We are in this together.
A hopeful and bright future awaits you, so be courageous and boldly go!
About The Grief Recovery Kit
Every griever is different and each grief situation individual. The Kit acts as a roadmap through the difficult and personal journey.
This award-winning book provides:
- practical activities to promote participation
- ways to facilitate communication
- encouragement to press forward
- hope to anyone experiencing grief of any kind
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