Moving Forward Through Grief
Roadmap for Your Journey
Grief comes in all shapes and sizes; every griever is different and each grief situation is unique. Regardless of age, each person goes through a grieving process after a significant loss. The loss may include anyone or anything significant to that person. There’s no particular system for dealing with grief, there’s no exact time frame for healing and there’s no precise definition for recovery. However, there is a roadmap to guide you through this difficult and personal journey and it provides practical activities, encouragement, and hope to anyone experiencing grief.
As we know, grief can be a paralyzing time, especially in the life of a young person. It can be so overwhelming that the griever is confused on how to move forward. The Grief Recovery Kit: A young person’s guide through the journey of grief is designed to assist young people in the grieving process after loss, separation or death. It gives the griever a tool for taking steps of progression and shifting valuable energy toward recovery.
Traveling Through Unknown Territory
The journey through grief can be a confusing and difficult event. Since each grieving situation varies so much, it’s like traveling into unknown territory. There are no specific rules or expectations for the grief journey; there are only suggestions and guidelines. Grief and recovery are subjective and can have various meanings to each griever. You may wonder how long your grief will last; since everyone is different, there’s no way to predict. However, as long as you are open to the grieving process and you try to actively participate in the recovery, your healing will progress. When it comes to grieving, there is no way out of it and there is no way around it. With grief, it is best to go straight through it. Whatever the case, the painful event should be experienced head-on without avoidance. Trying to ignore the pain or putting off the grief process may cause complications later in life, possibly compounding the grief over time. Addressing the situation thoroughly and without delay often allows the healing process to start right away. This will help establish a more stable and peaceful heart for the future of the griever.
Using The Grief Recovery Kit
Even though this healing kit was created specifically to help children, preteens, adolescents and young adults come to the reality of their loss and start their own grief and recovery process; grievers of all ages can benefit from this resource. This is a tool to aid in the progression of anyone dealing with the sorrow and pain of loss. Remember, there is no exact time frame for healing and there is no precise definition for recovery. The Grief Recovery Kit is not a “cure” nor does it promise recovery from grief, but it does offer hope. This tool can aid in the grief process while providing a means of positive progression toward healing. By actively participating, and using this kit as a guide, you can move out of the paralyzing sorrow and begin to move forward on the journey through grief.
The Grief Recovery Kit contains four stories of different losses, 40 activities that encourage the griever to participate, and blank personal journal pages for the griever to openly express thoughts and feelings through words and drawings. Helpful ABC’s are also provided to assist the parents or caregivers of grievers. Be well equipped on the journey of grief and use The Grief Recovery Kit to navigate through the healing process and move forward into a strong and hopeful future.
Check out the Book Trailer for The Grief Recovery Kit on YouTube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E2kJBQuG1-Q
The Grief Recovery Kit can be purchased from this website; just click the “Buy the Book” icon and it’s easy. The book is also available on Amazon.com and barnesandnoble.com.
Dealing With Fear After Loss
Fear is a Normal Reaction
After the initial response to loss, fear can arise as a normal reaction. Some form of fear usually manifests as a result from tragedy, loss or death of a loved one. Fear can present itself in a variety of ways. You may be afraid of the dark, being left alone, being around new people or getting hurt. You may be afraid of death and dying. You may even develop fears you never had before. Sometimes people may experience a generalized fear where they’re not exactly sure what they are afraid of. You may find yourself holding on tighter to possessions and/or people because the fear of losing them is so great. It is also common to feel uncertain of what the future holds for you and to be afraid of what your life will be like after your loss. You don’t have to accept the fears you may have developed and you certainly don’t have to live your life in fear.
Fears Go Away!
Remember that fear is just a reaction and does not have to become a part of who you are. If you deal with your fears directly, you can drive them away. Identify your fears and talk about them openly or journal about them. Face your fears head-on and do not hide from them. Don’t run from what frightens or worries you; expose it instead. It’s not good for your grief recovery to hold your fears within and dwell on them alone, they have a tendency to grow bigger and stronger when kept inside and hidden. Recognizing the fears and talking about them can weaken their grip on you. Work through these issues with a trusted person in your support system and definitely take your concerns to God. It is reported that the scriptures declare, “Do not be afraid” 366 times; that is one time for every day of the year including leap year. Fear is a real issue that has plagued mankind for ages, however we can overcome. Fight all your fears by explaining in detail what worries and frightens you. Sometimes the fear is unfounded and sometimes we must continue on with life in faith. There aren’t always certain and secure answers to ease all of our concerns. In those cases, utilizing our faith can be very important in claiming victory over fear’s control and to provide us with peace.
Prayer During Grief (or Anytime)
Guidance and Support
I am not religious. However, I am spiritual and I am a Christ follower. I look to God for supernatural strength when my own is inadequate. I talk to God a lot on any given day about an array of subjects and I talk to Him even more on bad days. Prayer during my grief was essential to me. Prayer is just time spent talking to God. Whenever you pray, you can discuss whatever you wish with Him. Sometimes I praise Him and thank Him for all my blessings. Sometimes I seek answers or guidance. Sometimes I whine and complain. Sometimes I’m angry and confused about the things happening around me. Sometimes I’m hurt and broken and desperately searching for peace and comfort. No matter what I feel or what I talk about, I know God cares about it and I know He cares about me. He also cares about you. No matter what’s going on in your life, if it concerns you, it concerns God. You are His child and your tears, anger, fear, and hurts matter to Him; nothing is too big and nothing is too small. I personally like to talk to Him about all my concerns. I have been mocked because I’ve prayed about which dog to adopt or what car to buy. That’s okay. If I indeed think of God as my Father then I want His all-powerful Fatherly guidance and support. I also thinks He likes it when we care enough to want His opinion. It doesn’t make me weak to rely on my Father it actually makes me stronger. In the NIV Holy Bible, 2 Corinthians 12:9 (Jesus said) “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power, is made perfect in weakness.” I know His power has shown up in my life when I had none. This next scripture sums up my life…2 Corinthians 12:10 For when I am weak, then I am strong. That is how I persevered through unspeakable pain and grief. You are never alone. When there was no one else I could turn to, I relied on the strength of Jesus Christ and through my weakness His power and strength rose up to triumph.
Just Talk
Anyone can talk to God, anywhere, anytime. There is no special way to do it; there are no specific words to say and no particular way to say them. Call on God in the name of His son Jesus Christ whenever you need Him and just talk. You can reveal your innermost thoughts and feelings to Him; there are no secrets. Your honesty can be cleansing and is an excellent way to rid yourself of any guilt and shame. God doesn’t condemn those who ask for forgiveness; he convicts your heart but doesn’t condemn. Feel at ease in presence of someone who loves you so much; talk to your Heavenly Father with love and respect and speak to Him as if he were sitting next to you. He is closer than you might think. Tell God openly how you feel and what concerns you. Speak from your heart and your prayers will be heard. Sometimes we think that if our prayers aren’t answered as we see fit then the prayers were not heard or they were just ignored. Not true, your prayers and concerns are always heard. It is also good to give thanks for what you have and even pray for others.
How to Pray
There is a scripture in the Bible (1Thessalonians 5:17) that says to pray continually. That means you can just talk to God whenever you like and as often as you wish, that’s what I do. You don’t have to be in church to pray; you can talk with God anywhere throughout the day and night. You can talk with Him all day long because He never gets tired of hearing from you! Pray with someone, pray alone or write your prayers to God in your journal. If you are uncomfortable or not sure what to say, read the example of prayer Jesus gave us in the Bible. Matthew 6:9–13
“This, then, is how you should pray: Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, your kingdom come, your will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us today our daily bread. Forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And lead us not into temptation, but deliver us from the evil one. For yours is the kingdom and the power and the glory forever. Amen.”
Just remember when you pray you are having a conversation with God. As with any communication with someone you trust, you want to have an open heart and speak honestly about what is on your mind. God loves you and wants you to call on Him, for any reason.
Forgiveness is Essential in Grief
Lighten Your Load
Forgiveness is crucial on your grief journey, without it, it’s difficult to move forward. Unforgiveness is a destructive emotion so holding onto it may only make your heart feel worse. Unforgiveness carries a trunk full of heaviness that can weigh you down and delay your recovery. The burden of unforgiveness is too heavy for anyone to drag along in the grief journey. Lighten your load; open the trunk and deal with the mess of emotions inside. You may need to forgive the person who died, or is no longer in your life. You may need to forgive the person you feel is responsible for your loss and pain. You may need to forgive yourself, or even God. Maybe you need to forgive the things people have said or done that hurt your feelings or made you mad since your loss. Most people don’t intend to be insensitive, so be patient and forgive them. Whatever the case, forgiveness is huge!
Unforgiveness Hurts You
It may seem hard or even impossible at first to forgive, but your progression depends on it. You will become stagnant in your recovery the longer you deny forgiveness. When it stays too long, unforgiveness often becomes bitterness. Once that sets in, rage, malice, and depression will follow, making your heart a home for these destructive emotions. Allowing these detrimental feelings to stay will eventually make you even sadder and begin to hurt you physically. You may not want to forgive but you need to forgive. You may feel that forgiveness is not deserved or by forgiving you are somehow saying the offense is acceptable. Forgiveness is not necessarily deserved, and it never implies a transgression is tolerable. Forgiving someone is not for the benefit of that person; it is for the sake of YOU. You are the one that will suffer from unforgiveness and it is you that will benefit from the act of forgiveness. When you forgive, you release; and when you release, you progress. Is it time for you to move forward?
Release the Negative
The act of forgiveness can be a difficult task so ask for help or guidance if you need it. Talk to someone in your support system and you can even talk to God about it. He forgave you and He can help you forgive others. Talk about how you feel and whom you need to forgive. You can write a letter to the person you need to forgive but you don’t have to send it. Sometimes it just helps to write it and release your thoughts and emotions. It may also help to write about it in your journal. Forgiveness comes in time so don’t hold back the words that can get the process started. Let it all out so you can begin to let it all go. When you begin to release the heaviness of the negative, you will then feel your heart lighten allowing you to continue on your journey less burdened.
Dealing With Anger in the Grief Process
Angry Moments Can Arise
Often times when we are hurt, offended, or lose something or someone we love, we become angry. During the grief journey there may be times when anger rises within you without warning. Many times it’s a reaction that just appears, usually uninvited and unwelcome. Perhaps your anger is specifically directed at someone. You may feel mad at the person who died, or with someone who caused your loss like the drunk driver, an abuser, or the one who stole from you. People, even family and friends, can do or say the wrong things that make you angry. There may be no particular person you are angry with; sometimes you just feel mad at the whole world. You may not understand the reason for your loss and the injustice of it all makes you want to scream in frustration and pain. I know I did. Maybe you have generalized your anger toward “fate”, life or even God for allowing the loss. There are times you just feel angry!
Unresolved Anger
Anger in itself is a natural reaction to grief and loss; getting mad occasionally is normal. But if anger stays too long, it can develop into a stronger emotion called rage, and that can turn out of control. Anger that is unresolved can create bitterness. If it’s left to fester too long, anger can also turn into fury and vengeance. These are all dangerous and destructive by-products of a normal emotion that you don’t want to keep. Through diligence and forgiveness, the anger you feel now will become weaker until it ultimately changes forms. The energy is still there, but if you allow it to, the anger can change from negative to positive.
Releasing Anger
Anger tends to come and go before it’s finally resolved. Yes, anger can be resolved, and should be. Rather than being held in the caustic grip of prolonged anger, you can chose to release the powerful and negative emotion. If you hang on to it for an extended period of time, it can become a stumbling block in your recovery. Even though it’s typical to feel this way, it’s important to get these feelings out. However, you don’t ever want to take your anger out on another person. There are some things you can do to release these emotions constructively. When feeling angry:
- Simply count to 10 or take several deep breaths.
- Scribble hard on paper or tear up strips of scrap paper, then wad up the papers and throw it all into the trash; imagine your anger being discarded with the paper.
- Draw, paint or use other art forms to express your anger.
- Talk to someone in your support system or let all your emotions out in your journal. Explain what makes you angry; be honest and open with your words and don’t worry about sounding “right.”
- Exercise and being active helps to release negative energy.
- You may feel like physically letting your emotions out; sometimes expression of anger does not come in words. In those times, you can find a safe place to vent your emotions by yelling, kicking, screaming, stomping your feet, shaking your body, pounding your fists into a pillow, or running. However, if you choose to release your anger in such a way, make sure you tell someone you trust what you are doing and always make certain you remain safe. You don’t ever want to hurt yourself or others while releasing your anger.
- You may choose to direct the negative force into something constructive by becoming an activist for a particular cause or advocate change where it’s needed.
You may find that expressing the feelings you have and helping others makes you feel better. Make the choice to let all the anger go from your heart and then replace it with love.
Be Open and Honest When Dealing with Grief of Any Kind
The Silent Struggle
I tend to internally struggle with things that hurt me to the point that it begins to overwhelm my mind and affect my body. Sometimes my regrets, offenses, and grief take the forefront of my thoughts and swallow all that’s good in my life. I must realize that it is me that allows the negative to occupy so much space. I am the only one that can give permission for these destructive feelings to stay. My mind is aware of that, but there are times it’s difficult to convince my heart. Sometimes I’m just so hurt and angry I don’t know what to do about it. When I get this way, I have a tendency to lock up all my thoughts and emotions and deal with it solo. I actually used to be the complete opposite, telling anyone who would listen all about my problems! I realized how inappropriate and destructive that was, so the pendulum swung the opposite direction and now it’s hard for me to be open when I need to be. Though I try so hard to keep my concerns private, I can’t hide the struggle I’m going through. It’s always obvious to those closest around me that something is wrong; most times those people will try to figure it out themselves. Did he do something wrong? Did she say something hurtful? They play the guessing game with their own heart and worry about something that usually doesn’t even concern them. Do I really think my silence is effective? Am I saving my friends and loved ones grief by not sharing my concerns? Actually, I am causing them more grief than if I would just be open and honest about what is bothering me.
Share Your Concerns
Have you been guilty of internalizing negative feelings? Are you trying to deal with your hurt alone? It’s best when you find someone you trust and share your feelings and concerns. It eases the burden when you share and often others can contribute to problem solving ideas. When you are troubled or grieving, tell at least one trusted person in your support system how you are doing and let him or her know what helps you and what doesn’t. If you are angry, hurt or disappointed about something that is taking too much of your time and energy, share that also with a trusted friend or family member. Be truthful when expressing your feelings. Don’t just say what you think someone wants to hear. Talk honestly about how you feel, what is going on with you and what you want. There are times you may want to write all your feelings and concerns out in a journal or just talk to God about it. These can still be effective ways of sharing your grief.
Move Forward
After sharing your concerns with someone, journaling it out or praying about it, then it is time to move forward. Make a choice to let go of the negative, putting it behind you and concentrate on the positive of the situation. Reflect on all the positive in your life. Being open and honest with your thoughts and feelings will allow you to progress in your grief journey, and in other situations; it will also help you release the negative things that are holding you back from your best.
Grieving a Loss Can Leave a Hole in Your Heart
A Vacant Heart
After you lose someone or something you love, there is usually an emptiness you feel inside. You may think the empty space will never be filled; you may feel as if there is a hole in your heart that will remain forever. The death of a loved one, the loss of a pet, or the loss of a relationship can leave your heart aching as you grieve for who and what you’ve lost. A portion of your life was occupied by that relationship and when it’s gone, there is a void left not only in your heart but in your life also. Time was spent in the relationship; you did things together while enjoying each other’s company. With a significant loss, it may be hard to figure out how to continue on with everyday life when so much of your life was wrapped up in what is now gone. Sometimes it’s the things we lose that cause a grieving heart. Homes and possessions are destroyed by fire, storms, and other disasters while some significant belongings are lost or stolen. The loss of special and irreplaceable things can also cause a vacant heart.
Filling the Void
It should never be assumed that anyone or anything could take the place of what you’ve lost; you can never replace what is gone. However, there are things you can do and people you can spend time with that will help your heart recover by filling the void that was left behind. What things could you do that would help fill the hole in your heart? There is no greater therapy for a broken, empty heart than to share that heart and spread love to others. This may seem difficult at first but once you get started, you will realize the benefits. You can start out simply by sending a letter or card to someone who needs it, or telling a special person that you love him or her, or giving someone a hug or encouragement. Be courteous and show kindness to others; give a friend, or stranger, a compliment. Reach out of your comfort zone to connect with others. You may want to try calling a friend, reconnect with an old friend or make an effort to meet new friends. It can help to show love and affection to your pet or if you don’t have one, adopt one. Pets are great companions to share daily activities with along with sharing unconditional love. You may want to volunteer your time and skills to a deserving person or organization. You could also tutor or teach others something you know and enjoy. By helping others, they benefit from your assistance and yet your heart benefits even more!
A Strong Heart
It also helps a grieving heart to be active. Be physically active by exercising, playing a sport, or trying a new game. It can be inspiring to try a new hobby, art, or craft. Push yourself a little to learn about something new and interesting. Explore your surroundings with a new point of view and look for ways to fill the vacancy in your heart. Even though your heart will never be exactly the same, and your loss can never be replaced, there are still things you can do to help fill the empty spaces. Your heart may be different now, but if you fill it with love, it can beat even stronger from now on!
Allowing the Pain of Grief
Don’t Avoid Pain
It is human nature for us to steer clear of pain; most of us try to avoid it at all cost. It is also an instinctual response to protect the ones we love from hurting, especially children. However, there is no successful way to avoid pain when experiencing grief. With grief there is pain; the two go hand in hand. That statement sounds so cold and absolute but once you experience the grief and pain in full, you will be free to move forward toward recovery. The pain associated with grief hurts tremendously; sometimes it’s downright brutal. Though you may be tempted, don’t run from it; stand firm and confront it head-on. The pain you feel in the moment of grief is not how you will feel forever. There is a hope of a brighter future without the all-consuming grief. Sometimes that may seem unfathomable, but it is possible. However, the pain must be allowed to stay for a time so you can deal with your grief and work through the issues and emotions it brings. Give yourself permission to explore your feelings that are wrapped up in the pain, and allow yourself to feel the hurt. Pain can be scary, so there is a tendency to hide from it, but if you don’t completely experience the sorrow, it can eventually grow stronger.
Don’t Rush Your Grief
Be patient and don’t rush your grief, but allow it to come. You will not always feel the way you do right now, so go ahead and enter straight into the grief. You may feel that if you let your guard down to the grief, you will never recover, that you will fall into some dark pit. On the contrary, once you feel the pain, and give it the time it needs and work through it, you will see that it begins to diminish and lose its power. You will notice that pain and grief no longer dominate you, and then slowly, each will begin to subside. As time passes, the pain that once gripped your heart will loosen its hold and you will be able to remember the past with a smile. You will become a stronger version of yourself.
Hope for the Future
By recognizing your loss and agreeing to mourn, you will begin your healing process. Say out loud, “I allow myself to mourn my loss. I agree to feel the pain on my grief journey because I know I will feel better one day.” Talk with someone in your support system or journal about the way it felt to make that declaration. There is a hope for a positive and happy future and there is a hope for a more peaceful and joyful you!
Identify Your Support System During Grief
What is a Support System?
It is important to have supportive people in your life but a healthy support system is crucial in a time of grief. A support system is made up of the people you trust, who help you and comfort you. These are the people who take care of you or provide emotional support, wisdom, and strength when you need it. Surround yourself with a circle of encouraging, caring, and compassionate people. There are times during grief when you can become overwhelmed, confused or exhausted. In these times, it can help to have someone to talk to and share your thoughts with. Sometimes you may need to ask for help; other times, you may just want to feed off the positive energy of another.
Recognize Your Support System
Take some time to identify your own support system. Who are the supportive people in your life? Who can you turn to in a crisis? Recognize the people who are willing and able to help you during painful times. Some examples of a support system might include parents, grandparents, siblings, older children and other family members and relatives. This structure may also include friends, coworkers, teachers, coaches, counselors, pastors, doctors, team members, club members, classmates, and even God. After my dad died, my mother would tell me how her friends made the mornings without him just a little easier. She jokingly called her “friends” by name: Matt, Meredith, Al, Hoda and Kathie Lee. Yes, her “friends” were the cast of a popular TV morning show and no; my mother was not delusional! The point is that she filled a void with the energy of positive people that had become a support for her, even if they didn’t know it. Make a list of your own support system consisting of the people close to you (or not so close) that you can depend on to help you ease your burden and grief.
Utilize Your Support System
Are you calling on the people that you identified when you feel weak or need something? Maybe you need someone to cry to, maybe you need someone to laugh with. Maybe you need your lawn mowed, the dog walked, or help making a grocery list. Think about how someone could help you. Chances are there are many people in your support system that would like to be of help, they just don’t know how. Be honest and don’t be afraid to ask when you need something. During your grief, even the smallest gesture from a loved one can be a comfort or a chore completed by a friend can be a relief. These people care about you and should be called upon when you need someone. You can also call on God, He is always ready to listen and help you in your time of pain.
Grieving the Loss of a Pet
Saying Good-bye
A friend of mine had to say good-bye to a loved one this week. Her dog, a.k.a. “best friend”, lost his battle to illness after providing over a decade of loyalty, amusement, and devotion. My young friend’s heart broke as she held her faithful companion while he took his last breath. What greater love is there than to put your own feelings aside for the love and comfort of another? He passed this life peacefully in the arms of love.
Significant Loss
Grieving the loss or death of a pet can be extremely painful. In many cases, a pet has become friend, a confidant, a buddy, and even a comforter. Pets selflessly give us companionship, faithfulness, acceptance and unconditional love; pets enrich our lives. Many times, pets are treated as family members and participate in regular household activities. They work their way into our daily lives, the family unit, and ultimately into our hearts. Their innocence and carefree attitudes bring a lighter side to life and is a welcome attribute to most homes. Pets offer so much with their presence, therefore when they are gone, there’s a void. This kind of loss is significant and should be recognized as such.
“Good Grief”
My friend’s pain and sense of loss is overwhelming to her at this time. She said, “It was the worst day of my life. I can’t stop crying.” Even though her grief is powerful now, my friend is experiencing “good grief”; it is active grief. She is acknowledging her feelings openly and not pressing them down only to rise up later. Grief of any kind cannot be ignored; it must be addressed head on so it can eventually fade. She can talk about her feelings, the situation and let out any emotions to someone trusted. It may help to talk about the memories and reflect on good times. This can be a painful process, but necessary for progression. Eventually the intense pain and grief will ease; however, the affection and memories of a wonderful relationship will remain forever.
About The Grief Recovery Kit
Every griever is different and each grief situation individual. The Kit acts as a roadmap through the difficult and personal journey.
This award-winning book provides:
- practical activities to promote participation
- ways to facilitate communication
- encouragement to press forward
- hope to anyone experiencing grief of any kind
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